i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
