i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
