Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
