Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Panties = found
Randomize
