Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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