we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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