theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
