you lied. pity sex is amazing.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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