Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
