How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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