You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
