You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Randomize
