while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize