When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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