My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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