thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
