Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
