oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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