i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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