i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize