My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
