I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
