My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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