If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
