so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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