Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
