all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
