we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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