i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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