you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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