Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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