Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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