have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
