Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
then he tried to convert me to islam
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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