literally had 100 drinks last night.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
