And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize