Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
