frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize