mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
