just survived the first fart of the relationship.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
