I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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