Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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