so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
