So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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