Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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