i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
