Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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