I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
