So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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