I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
