Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It's official drugs can't kill me
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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