awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
