I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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