I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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