I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i can't believe i had my finger in that
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Rumble strips road head = magical
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
