I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
try to milk me bitch
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
