so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
