Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
