My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
