Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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