i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize