ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
